Surrender.

I’ve been in a particular spot for a year now. A ramped up dissolution process. I’ve been right in the fire. The mental chatter has been persistent, relentness. Non-stop. Stories with the tightness grip on my being have been centre stage. 

I am so tired.

But i am also so tethered to God that there is a deeply seated part of me, the truest part of me, that is seated on her knees, palms held up to the cosmos, eyes closed, who is unwavering in the storm. Her rootedness absolutely awes me and it is my anchor…because i can feel my true devotion.

There is a spot on the map of awakening that a teacher of mine called ‘the gate of surrender’ and i only recently realized exactly what this spot was and that i am in it. Not everyone passes through she would say. 

But i know i will.

Because even though i have mental chatter and all kinds of stories on a megaphone in my head. 

Even though i have touched the layer of total non-verbal existential terror in my system. 

Even though it feels like i am spiraling into death (even metaphorical). 

Even though everything inside me and every sensation in my body wants to run for the hills, run to old identities, everything is SCREACHING to live…

I know that there is nothing i value more in this life than total and direct connection to God and the deepest expression of divine will through my being and living. That is my lighthouse.

It doesn’t really matter how close or far i am to that, i am always orienting to it. That is what this lifetime is for. That is my tether. 

And so i do not waver. 

In the last few months i started to really feel a desire to connect to the Theotokos. The Mother of God. I have been studying the Bible. Digging into different translations and understandings to try to get to the spot where i can truly feel the frequencies available in it. Not the words. Because frequencies attune us. I have been looking to feel the original transmissions. 

I could tell i was tuning my own fork so to speak, like an instrument. And that is when it clicked where i was on the map. 

The Theotokos holds the frequency of total surrender and devotion to God. Not without the fear or doubt or worry because she had her own human experiences, but She was entirely devoted and led by God’s will. I feel her to be a true master. 

The way i am experiencing this spot for myself is a total emptying. Of everything and everyone inside me. I went through a version of this many years ago but it is clear i did not hit the bottom. The full emptying. And now i have hit the final and deepest layer. I can feel it. I have a system that is slow to open which is so deeply outside of my preferences but i have learned that there is nothing to do but know your system and meet it where it is at. 

This is the priestess starting point to be honest. Everything before is simply preparation. This is the same spot i now know we meet in birth, at transition. And if you have not done it before it will fuck you up because you will climb for dear life and you wont fall into the abyss and let yourself burn from the inside out, so to speak  (it certainly fucked me up the first time around). 

Really big shifts and corrections have happened over the last two months. A ‘click’ into place. And the energy blew up with the completion of a lifelong toxic relationship with a family member. That was a big point of misalignment that i was not ready to release and to hold all that would come with that. Until now. 

I told my husband recently that this spot feels like falling to your knees in absolute defeat in front of God. Because you cannot fight anymore. Fight for the control. And the control is always holding the terror. 

But in truth, it is falling to your knees in absolute devotion to God and to the knowing that God is your steadying force, your one and only guide. The centre point of it all. 

I had to face where i had unconsciously placed my sense of safety and security and peace outside of me and i am bringing it back in and reorienting to the proper place, with God. 

People think transformation is fun and sexy. They also think its linear and like following a to-do list or checklist of tools. 

It isn’t friends. It is ugly, bloody, muddy, sweaty. It is being so deeply inside your life that you are moulds by everything divinely placed in front of you as your perfect medicine. It is unbelievably painful because it is ultimately about loss. 

And the ground floor of loss is whete we truly begin to create of God. 

I recently read a translation of Genesis 1 from the original Hebrew and was struck by something. 

In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. 

In Hebrew we wouldn’t understand this as there being necessarily nothing on Earth, but that there was actually everything. Unpotentiated wild energy that was not given form. Basically, everything existed as potential, and the divine beings came and utilized their intention and vision to create the perfectly designed planet and systems. 

Thats kind of what i imagine the other side of the gate of surrender feels like, getting back to the state of undifferentiated wild potential, which God can then move with and mould us and our expression in the world to what is the perfect design. 

On the other side of loss is feeling the ecstasy of moving with God and knowing you are following God’s will and God’s intended expression for you and that is an unmatchable level of ecstasy. 

Aleksandra Bogicevic.

For those of you interested in the substack I’ve been reading with the direct Hebrew and Greek translation from the Bible, i will link it below. Absolutely brilliant.

Earth Mastery Substack